‘How beautiful and thrilling

 

‘How beautiful and thrilling it must be to feel, the time of giving Shahada’, I mostly think, ‘People generally start weeping’.

‘How does it feel to quit your former ways of physical, intellectual and spiritual life, and start anew, enter a new world, totally new, but looking familiar and promising to your inner, your heart, your spirit.’ I think in another moment.

‘It must be very exciting to enter a new world of hope and satisfaction. It must be very beautiful and enchanting to enter a new world of joy and happiness. What is the use of giving Shahada if a person is to feel worried, sad and hopeless again? It must all be very beautiful and charming. It must all be very pleasant and happy. It should be.’ I mostly reach the conclusion.

The revert stories mostly make me very happy too. They bring me sometimes to the verge of tears. Their faces glowing, their voices confident, their looks far-reaching, how super and superior the reverts feel to me.

I am a born Muslim and mostly I feel regretful. I can’t enjoy the thrill of giving Shahada.

‘I have lost all these treasure of happiness somewhere’, I feel.

The very next moment I try to mimic my Shahada, I try to imitate them, copy them. I try to go into the world of their blessings. But it is always something far-fetched. And then I try to promise something new to Allah the Taala, I try to leave some bad habit, some bad deed, some bad company, some bad attitude, just to feel the pleasure of giving Shahada. I suppose myself giving Shahada in my heart. I promise Allah the Taala as if I am a revert, that I will do this and this good deed onward and leave this and this bad deed in the coming years. I try to follow the impressions and expressions of the reverts to Islam, how do they feel, how happy they are. Even though I know it is all fake, it is all mimicry, I do get some pleasure, some enjoyment. I do get some beauty. I try to feel my skin in the face if it is more softened, more softened than before. I try to look into the mirror, if it is there, to see if my face is glowing too, like the faces of the newly reverts.

Whatever the end point of all this reverie, it is all the same very much pleasant and beautiful. If I am not caught by my wife and children in such moments of absorption in my spirit, I end up very well. Otherwise, they start smiling and laughing. Sometimes they feel surprised what I am going through.

May Allah the Taala bless us with the pleasures of giving Shahada to the end of our lives. Ameen.

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